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I now know that the obsessive tendencies and feelings of guilt for things that I had no control over were not really me- they are hallmarks of the illness and are treatable. Most people who know me wouldn’t even have realised these feelings were there, but I knew- whether I could hide them or not, they still existed. 
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I didn't cut myself often, and there was never a sense of ritual about the process. I’ve used whatever was at hand over the years- knives, scissors, broken glass, wire, and even my own fingernails. My boyfriend patched me up afterwards several times, although harming myself was something I only did while I was alone.
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by Alicia Brennan I improved slowly in my late teens, but quite often ended up crashing back down again. A lot of it was probably due to the fact that I tended to push myself too far, too soon, but...
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When I finally found my way out of the mists, I was eighteen. So much time had passed and yet, so little had changed. No matter how many doctors, specialists, or alternative therapists I was seen by, not one of them ever found evidence of anything, so I was still considered by most people to be imagining my ill health.
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Life is a journey; we all accept and understand that. Looking back at this journey, it’s quite confronting- knowing the direction I have taken in so many ways. Some have altered my life, whilst others were handled with expectancy and ease. As I progress through this journey, I try to define what is important to me, what I love the most, and what makes me happy.
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